My last entry was an open letter to the owner of a dog that keeps knocking over my garbage can and scattering my weekly trash asunder. The dog usually opts to strike in the middle of the night, and disappears before I can ever catch a glimpse of him (I’m only assuming the gender of this dog because it makes typing this easier). Though my last entry was merely a creative way for me to vent my frustration, it actually seemed to keep this mongrel at bay. Call me crazy, but I think that stupid mutt has The Unsound bookmarked (much as you should), and became a bit concerned I may beat his negligent owner unconscious. Weeks went by without incident, then months. Of course, it could have been the fact that I chose to store my garbage can further up the walk way, next to my garage rather than leaving it on the curb, thus all but inviting latchkey dogs to kick it over and rummage through it in the middle of the night like a bum after Thanksgiving. Whatever the reason, my garbage can remained untouched.
Flash forward to about two weeks ago, I noticed my neighbors trash can on its side much as I’ve seen mine in the past; Laying amongst a pile of meticulously picked through refuse. My heart went out to him, knowing he was struck by the midnight mutt.
Flash forward to last week, I was awaken by Annie asking “What was that?” A loud noise outside woke her up, so I went to the window to investigate.
Flash forward to about two weeks ago, I noticed my neighbors trash can on its side much as I’ve seen mine in the past; Laying amongst a pile of meticulously picked through refuse. My heart went out to him, knowing he was struck by the midnight mutt.
Flash forward to last week, I was awaken by Annie asking “What was that?” A loud noise outside woke her up, so I went to the window to investigate.
That’s when I noticed my trash can on its side, and a large brown dog halfway inside the can. I said “It’s that stupid dog again”.
Annie went to the front door, flipped on the porch light, and opened the door. At that, the dog ran away. Now, I’m not good at identifying the species of a dog when I’m lucid, let alone when I’m peeking through the blinds through one bloodshot eye at 2 a.m., so I couldn’t even tell you what type of dog it was. It could have been anything from a bull mastiff, to a chocolate lab to a weimaraner for all I know. It was a stupid brown dog, and that’s all I was certain about. The good thing was, we didn’t have enough garbage in the can to satisfy this dumb animal’s craving for trash. Annie went outside and up righted the garbage can since I was in my boxer briefs, and we went back to bed.
Flash forward to this morning, I was running late as it was. I have been back at work now, and therefore must conform to an actual schedule, which is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. As I stepped onto the porch, I noticed my garbage can was again lying on its side, but this time accompanied by a pile of well picked through garbage. Included in the pile of garbage for the week was a pile of dog excrement wrapped in a bath rug (that’s a story for another day), an empty pork chop tray, multiple diapers and a half used bag of Shake and Bake. As I was putting the soggy (it was raining this morning) trash back into the can, I felt as if someone was watching me. I could feel this stupid dog looking at me and laughing as I picked up my own garbage.
Flash forward to this morning, I was running late as it was. I have been back at work now, and therefore must conform to an actual schedule, which is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. As I stepped onto the porch, I noticed my garbage can was again lying on its side, but this time accompanied by a pile of well picked through garbage. Included in the pile of garbage for the week was a pile of dog excrement wrapped in a bath rug (that’s a story for another day), an empty pork chop tray, multiple diapers and a half used bag of Shake and Bake. As I was putting the soggy (it was raining this morning) trash back into the can, I felt as if someone was watching me. I could feel this stupid dog looking at me and laughing as I picked up my own garbage.
There are few times in my life where I’ve felt as low as I did this morning. It was then and there that I vowed to wage war on that stupid dog. I’ve come up with a plan. It may not be a cheap plan, but it will leave me with satisfaction.
First, I will buy a pound of ground beef, and 2 pounds of cheese. I will put the ground beef and cheese in a plastic bag, and leave it next to my trash can. The stupid gluttonous mutt, unable to resist his temptations, will consume the raw beef and blocks of cheese. This should be enough to cause the dog constipation issues. Don’t worry though, I’m not interested in harming this dog, just getting my point across to it. I will let that dog be backed up for a good two or three days, before I leave yet another pound of ground beef for this dog. Only, instead of blocks of cheese, I will put two boxes worth of Exlax chocolate into the beef. This should be enough to get the dog’s insides working again, so he can relieve three days of backed up bowels all over his owner’s throw rug.
First, I will buy a pound of ground beef, and 2 pounds of cheese. I will put the ground beef and cheese in a plastic bag, and leave it next to my trash can. The stupid gluttonous mutt, unable to resist his temptations, will consume the raw beef and blocks of cheese. This should be enough to cause the dog constipation issues. Don’t worry though, I’m not interested in harming this dog, just getting my point across to it. I will let that dog be backed up for a good two or three days, before I leave yet another pound of ground beef for this dog. Only, instead of blocks of cheese, I will put two boxes worth of Exlax chocolate into the beef. This should be enough to get the dog’s insides working again, so he can relieve three days of backed up bowels all over his owner’s throw rug.
I doubt this will cure the problem, since that dog is the stupidest dog I’ve ever known, and he will likely be back the next night looking for another treat, but it will at least leave me feeling better. Besides, I don’t want to resort to a bungee cord on my garbage can lid, as that will essentially be conceding victory to the stupidest animal on earth. I’m not ready for that yet. In the event that the doctored beef doesn’t do the trick, I’ve made up a wanted poster I will be posting on our neighborhood shared mailboxes.
I’ll be sure to document any updates to this ongoing war.
I’ll be sure to document any updates to this ongoing war.
