It's Just a Ride

I feel a little bad that my first post on this page in what has been an extended period of inactivity should be a rant. In truth, this post should have died at the inception of the random idea in the first place. I almost just made it a Facebook post, but then I decided I could pad it with the usual nonsense and make slightly more worthwhile to waste your valuable time reading.

These last few days of hotel living has started to wear on me, and really put me in an intolorent
mood. Feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.


My rant kicks off with a wise ass list shown below.


Things considered carnival rides:
The Ferris Wheel
Tilt-A-Whirl
Gravatron
The Zipper


Things NOT considered carnival rides:
The Escalator
The Moving Sidewalk



The invention of the escalator and the moving sidewalk were not intended to be stood upon for the sole purpose of giving one a thrill. Sure, it may be a side product, but not the intended purpose. The intended purpose was to get the user to a pre-determined destination faster, and with less effort, than their standard stationary counterparts. Less effort not no effort. Now, am I guilty of standing on the steps of an escalator and letting it do all the work? Absolutely. I probably ride them more often than I walk on them. The reason, however, is usually because I'm blocked behind some thrill-seeker that is riding that bastard for all its worth, and concerned enough that it will buck them off, they find it necessary to hang on with both hands. Preventing anyone who may be a daredevil, like myself, from crazy antics like walking while the ride is in motion. Who the hell are you to look out for my best interest, sir?


There are other times that I will ride it just because I don't feel like walking. In fact, I'll ride it like it's a chore to even stand up. Often times leaning against the hand rail and all but hanging over the side. I do have consideration for other people, however. I will ride it, but stand so far off to the side that even the largest of non-lazy people can squeeze by me. I refuse to impede anyone from reaching their destination in a timely manner. I'm nothing if not accomodating to people in a rush.


/topic



This morning I was gently roused out of what was one of my better nights of sleep at approximately 5:04 a.m. by a sound that I can only describe as Chewbacca after a 12 pack of Pabst and a hit of acid (assuming Chewbacca was at least somewhat of a light-weight). At first I thought the noise was part of some strange dream. I then realized it wasn't a dream, and it was still dark out, and I had no clue where I was. After I was fully awake, I realized the noise was coming from the hallway and just outside my hotel room. I slowly got out of bed, and started to realize that the sound was that of a human. What the hell he was attempting to say was anyone's guess. As I peered through the peephole (through my bloodshot eye and bone-dry contact lense, mind you) I could make out a fairly large gentleman of about 35 in khaki shorts and a pink button-down shirt doing some sort of a dance directly in front of my door. The dance, I later came to realize, was his attempt to stay upon his two feet. This man was not drunk. He was completely blown out of his Birkenstocks and halfway out of his tube socks (oh, you thought his impeccable style quit at his pink shirt and thigh-high cargo's?).


He would side-step breifly out of my peephole view only to return twice as fast the other way. I was trying my hardest to understand what he was saying, but was only able to make out a few obscenities in his drunk/stoned/Chewbacca voice. I really do wish I could remember the phrase he kept uttering to himself, because it truly was humorous. It was just entirely too random and obscure of a phrase for even me to remember. Soon I heard him say, to no one in particular, that he would return later. If he did, he did so quietly.

I was only able to draw 2 conclusions as to why this man would have been yelling obscenities just outside my door at 5 a.m. The first is that he was not visiting this hotel alone, and his companion had dead-bolted the door when he didn't return to his room at a decent hour. The other, was that he was on the wrong floor entirely, thus his key wouldn't work in what he thought was his room. Either way, he provided me with an entertaining image to fall back alseep to.

Eat Up

About a week ago, Melanie and Rachel contacted me about doing a write-up for Rachel's business in Chico. I already do their website, and I love being able to exercise my creativity on such a public stage, so I jumped at the opportunity. The write-up was going to be a fun, new challenge for me to help spark my writing again. Here were my guidelines: It was to be no longer than 300 words, and would be published in a brochure style that would be placed at various restaurants around Chico. I'm not sure if any of you have seen these sort of things before, but the only place in our town I can think of that has something similar is Young Sing. It's something placed at your table to read while you wait for your food. The best part about this, is I was given a guideline, and also a deadline. I had roughly a week to work on it, so that made it even more fun. It wasn't something I could sit on and procrastinate with.

Other than the time and word constraints, the sky was the limit. Now...I'd never done anything like this before, and I had no examples to go off of. This was even better because it made me think. I was also writing these with a full understanding that I'm peddling a portable toilet business in a restaurant. Not a task to take lightly, I must say.

I decided to write three different rough drafts, each written in a different style. The first was a very standard, professional information-filled 'letter', the second was mostly bold, boastful and brash. It was tongue-in-cheek, funny and in your face. The third was what I considered a small combination of the two, but still more based on telling the history of the company. I was pretty happy with the way they all turned out, so I knew I gave the girls a broad spectrum to choose from. I sent out the rough drafts, and they loved them all. Unfortunately, they were only able to choose one. After multiple discussions with each other, they settled on the final product. The final product was a minimally edited second version (for the word limit) that I think turned out great, and I'm very proud of the fact that it will be used. I am in the process of writing a new "About Us" section of their website that should include a majority of the stuff we had to cut.

With all that said, I'm proud to present the final version for your viewing. Any and all feedback would be appreciated...positive or negative. Also, if any of you are ever in Chico, and happen to be eating at Denny's, The Oasis, The Graduate, or Forrest Ave Pizza & Pub, please take a picture of yourself with the brochure. I will hook you up with something cool like a urinal cake or have a Johnny on the Spot trucker hat made. Don't steal it though, I was kidding about that on my last post. I want people to be able to read it!

A quick P.S. before we get to the good stuff: All of the facts you will read are completely true. You just can't make that stuff up!

Congratulations! While you were sitting there waiting for your food to show up, you decided to flip through the provided literature and occupy yourself with a few entertaining facts on the Chico area’s most beloved portable toilet business around. “What can I learn about Johnny on the Spot Portable Toilets that I don’t already know?” you ask as you sip on your ice water. Plenty, my friend. For instance, Johnny on the Spot Portable Toilets is a woman owned business. Rachel Bartlett is the proud proprietor, and has been since she sold her ’78 VW convertible to buy her first truck and 8 used units back in 1998. That’s right, while you were cruising around rockin’ Savage Garden in your Dodge Neon, Rachel was busy establishing what would become the best portable toilet business in Northern California. Since then she’s built her stock to 350 units that include everything from wash stations to elegant flushable wedding units and even a unit on a trailer. You heard me Hoss, you’ll be the envy of all your friends when you roll down the road with a Johnny in tow. Whether you’re the loyal customer that has been using a Johnny since ’98, or you stumbled sideways into your first one at last year’s Soroptimist International of Bidwell Rancho Microbrew Festival, you’re well aware that the quality of a Johnny on the Spot is unmatched. So there you have it. When your date comes back from the restroom, you can boast your insider knowledge on your favorite portable toilet business over an order of seasoned fries.

Still hungry for information? I don’t blame you. Check out http://www.johnnyonthespotchico.com. Call them up and sing the first 6 bars of Truly, Madly, Deeply and see if they don’t hook you up with a discount. I’m serious.

Censorship

Unfortunately, this wasn’t going to be my first post of the year. My first post of the year was going to be a true tale that would have rivaled my dog story. It would have been complete with illustrations in a crude manner that only my Microsoft Paint program can produce. It was going to have you laughing, crying and shouting “OH.MY.GOD”. Yes, it was all of that and then some. It was the first time since I’ve been writing that a story was writing itself in my head at the same moment it was unfolding in front my blurry eyes. It was the first time in a good 7 months that my writers block was not just released, but totally destroyed.

Alas, upon arrival of my homestead, my dear wife and chief editor squashed the story before it could even be put on paper. She notified me that due to the nature of the story (which would have been told in such as way as to minimize the crassness of it), and the location of the incident, I was prohibited from posting it on such a public forum. Not being one to ever comply with any type of censorship, I’ve decided to author the story anyways, but compromise on the publication vehicle. Instead of plastering it on the walls of The Unsound, it will be available upon a personal request basis. Due to this minor setback, the story hasn’t been completed, but I assure you; it will. Not wanting to let even one detail escape my very vivid recollection of the subject event, I will be writing it soon after I post this. I will be taking my time with the illustrations, however. This is undoubtedly a story that can paint a picture on its own. But I feel it can further be immortalized forever in pastel colors in a way that not even my words can. This is not an empty promise, and I assure you, it will be well worth the hype.

Now that I’ve let you down gently, let me bring you back up. Also in the very near future (in the next 3 days) is my first piece of writing to actually be “published”. It will be a business write-up that will be circulating the greater Chico area restaurants featuring the best portable toilet service in the business; Johnny on the Spot Portable Toilets. I am very proud that Rachel and Melanie asked me to write it, and someone will have to steal me one from one of those restaurants. Until then, I can offer you nothing more than my most sincere apology.